Lost Innocence

I have a boyfriend now. I am 14. He is seven years older than me. I have never had sex before and I am glad because I don’t want anyone to get too close to me. I don’t want anyone to touch my hair, to try to run their fingers through it, as to do so would expose me, expose my bald patches and questions would surely be asked. I definitely don’t want anyone to see me naked, to see that I have no hair between my legs and sore patches from where I have been picking at myself.
Mother has always had men, either husbands or boyfriends. I often hear noises coming from Mothers bedroom when she is in there with a man. The noises come from her and whatever man she happens to have at the time. I believe that these are the sounds and noises of sex. I believe that girls must have sex with men, that sex is the most important part to having a man and that girls are nothing without a man.
Mother has lots of books about sex. I have looked at these books, I have plenty of opportunity to do so as Mothers works at night and there is no one to look after me and my siblings,so we are left on our own all night.
My boyfriend really wants to have sex. I am really scared but think that I must do it as it is what girls are expected to do, so one night I let him. I don’t want to get undressed, so I leave my clothes on and just push my underwear to one side.
We do it. We have sex on the couch. I hate it. It is so painful.
I make all the sort of noises that I have heard Mother make. This pleases my boyfriend. He is very pleased with himself. He thinks that I like it.
But I am just pretending.
I hate it.