Telephone Call

At weekends I travel by train to the next town to meet school friends and hang out. When I return I always ring Mother to say that I am back in our city and am walking the short distance home. One weekend during this routine phone call Mother tells me that I must go to my Grandmother’s house before coming home, to meet up with my sister, and wait for a call from my Father. I think that she means Daddy is ringing and I do not understand why he would be ringing me at Grandmothers instead of home. When I ask why, Mother sounds angry and says I must go because grandmother is expecting a call from my father, my real Father!!!
I am beyond excited. This is a moment I have dreamt of for a long time. I can feel my heart beating so fast that I think it may burst in my chest. I reach Grandmothers house and see that my sister is already there waiting for the call, she is very calm. I am not. As I am begging Grandmother to let me talk first the call comes. Instead of answering the telephone immediately Grandmother turns to me and tells me that I must wait in the other room whilst she talks first. I don’t understand why she is making me do this but I am so anxious that the telephone will stop ringing that I do as I am told and leave the room. My sister is allowed to stay with Grandmother and the ringing telephone. I don’t go into the other room where I have been told to wait; instead I listen outside the door with the ringing telephone, Grandmother and my sister. The ringing stops and for a brief moment I think that Grandmother has not answered the call, but then I hear her talking. She is talking to my Father!!! I am so excited but I keep quiet so Grandmother does not hear me listening at the door. I hear her talk about my sister, but not me. I cannot hear her talking about me. I can only hear Grandmother’s end of the conversation but from what I can hear it is obvious that he is asking to talk to my sister as I hear her say that she has something to tell him before he can do that. I hear Grandmother tell him that he has another daughter, me. Again, from Grandmother’s end of the conversation it is obvious that there is a dispute going on about me. It is obvious that he knows nothing about me. He does not even know that I exist. Grandmother continues to argue and I hear her tell him that he can speak to both of us, my sister and me or else he will not be allowed to speak to my sister at all.
I am crushed. I feel tears pricking at my eyes and my cheeks flush with the embarrassment of the shame of my existence as I move away from the door and enter the next room where I had been told to wait.
After what feels like an eternity Grandmother comes to me to tell me that I am to go and speak on the telephone, that it is my turn now. She can see that I have been crying but she does not ask me what is wrong, I think that she must just think that I am over excited. She has no idea that I listened at the door. Inside my stomach feels like it is in knots but I do as I am told and pick the telephone up and talk to the man at the other end, the man who I am told is my Father.
Because of what I heard whilst listening at the door I feel weird and uncomfortable, I'm so embarrassed that he did not know about me that when a visit is set up I don’t go, I am not brave enough, so my sister travels alone. I think that I shall ask my sister all about him, Father, on her return, but she refuses to tell me anything. I have so many doubts because of what I heard at the door. Is he really my Father? I tell myself that surely he must be, why else would I be sent to him?
Other than telling me to go to Grandmother’s in the first instance Mother makes absolutely no comment nor does she ask any questions regarding the phone call. When I try to talk to her about it she just looks at me blankly and either walks away from me or changes the subject.
I decide that I shall be on the next visit.