Hello Father

January 1st 1982. I travel by train with my sister to London to meet my father. I’m really excited but also really nervous. My sister won’t talk to me about him, all she will tell me he is he is married again with two children, both girls. Throughout the journey I keep thinking about the first phone call that took place at grandmothers. I wonder if he is my real father. I tell myself he must be, why else would I be sent to him? We arrive at Victoria station. I’ve never seen so many people, the station is packed. My sister tells me that we have been told to go to the taxi rank where we shall be met by them. But when we get there no one is waiting for us. We wait and wait but nobody comes. My sister tries to telephone them but there is no answer. In my head I am convinced that they have come and are hidden in the crowds of people that are milling about. I’m convinced that they have seen me, that this man who I am told is my father has seen me and decided that he does not like the look of me so has decided to run away. To disappear into the crowds. My sister does not seem at all worried, but I am really scared. My sister telephone’s mother and tells her that no one has come to meet us. Mother says we must return home. I can’t believe this is happening. I want to meet him. I want to see my father. Unbeknown to us mother has telephoned the station. We hear our names being called out over the tannoy system. We’re being asked to hurry to the gate to board the last train home to our city. We are running, my sister and I towards the departure gate. We reach the gate, the train still there. All the time I am thinking that they have seen me, my father and his family, and they don’t like the look of me. They hate me, they don’t want me. I’m still running toward the train when I become aware that I cannot hear or feel my sister running by my side. I stand still and turn round. I can’t see my sister at first, I am terrified, and I think I must have lost her in the crowds. Suddenly I do see her, in the distance, back by the departure gate. My sister is being hugged by a man and a woman and two smaller girls. They are all happy, embracing and kissing each other. I remain on the spot where I have stopped running, standing still, watching. This is how I meet the man they call my father. Is he my father? Is this my father? I walk towards them, my stomach churning with nerves. Then they greet me and embrace me, and we head off to their place. I am aware of feeling nothing at this point. I am just numb.